Boundaries 101: How to Set, Communicate & Uphold Limits

My Dear Passenger,

Have you ever wondered why setting personal boundaries is crucial for self-respect and well-being?

Today I guide you through the empowering journey of establishing and maintaining personal boundaries. Donning my symbolic crown, we embark on an exploration of what boundaries are and the different kinds—physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual, material, and time boundaries. Through personal anecdotes and psychological insights, I offer practical questions to identify when boundaries are needed and how to communicate them effectively using "I statements." This episode equips you with essential tools to enhance your self-care as we step into the last quarter of the year with confidence and respect.

Maintaining personal boundaries can be a challenging, yet rewarding endeavor. In this episode, I highlight the importance of consistent practice and commitment, acknowledging that the path to self-growth can often feel daunting. However, you’re not alone on this journey. As your dedicated tour guide, I'm here to support you with well-researched advice and heartfelt encouragement. Plus, I invite you to join our community on social media and our brand-new website for additional resources and support. Together, let's create a more respectful and fulfilling year ahead, one boundary at a time.

Resources used today:
Setting Boundaries
Setting Boundaries Journal

Transcript

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 0:07

Hello, my dear passengers, and welcome aboard the Self-Growth Train, a podcast that combines personal stories, opinions and research in order to better guide you through your self-growth journey. My name is Frances Marie Tiera Pacheco and I am your tour guide. First, I want to say thank you for tuning back into the podcast, and I also wanted to explain why I have been wearing a crown on my head. If you were a previous passenger for over the last three years and you saw one of the episodes that I did earlier this year, you probably remember that I talked about how I wanted to start seeing myself and representing myself as a princess. Not because I wanted to think that I was all that. I just wanted to make sure that I claimed the respect and the honor and the discipline that I knew that I deserve, right. So, because of this, that is why I wear a crown on the podcast. Also, it's better than a train conductor hat, because that wouldn't look good on me. So, yeah, if you ever wonder why I'm wearing a crown now, you know it's because it's my way of representing that I am a princess at heart and that I deserve to be treated as such. Well, my dear passenger, the time has come for us to buckle up our seat belts as we go into our first stop. That is the topic of the day.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:29

Today's topic is boundaries. Boundaries are defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as something that indicates a limit. And I don't know about you, my dear passenger, but I have struggled over the last 29 years with setting and upholding boundaries. Sometimes I can communicate them, but definitely setting them and upholding them. That is where I struggled the most, and I figured right that we are almost to the end of the year and with the end of the year comes New Year's and with that comes new resolutions. I figured it was time to talk about boundaries now. That way, when the new year comes, we're more prepared. For today's episodes the resources that I will be using are handouts that were actually handed to me by my psychologists over the last couple of years. These handouts come from TheHeartAdvocate. com and also TherapistAid. com.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 2:24

But how do we know when a boundary needs to be set? Well, my dear passenger, whether it be a job that you are feeling kind of iffy about, a relationship that you're struggling with, or maybe some other type of situation, the way to know you need a boundary is when you're starting to feel uncomfortable. Now here's the catch. Sometimes a boundary will not be enough to withhold or maintain that relationship, that job or that situation. Okay, so it's very important to realize when a boundary needs to be needed and when a boundary is not going to work at all. I'll give you an example.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 3:01

Back in the day, in 2021, I used to work at this place that quite simply did not match anything about me. The core values did not match, the way that they did things did not match, and also the way that they made me feel did not match with what I was expecting for my job. Sure, I could have set a boundary, but at that point, the main factors or the main elements of the job were really completely opposite for me. So setting a boundary in a place that already didn't respect me was not really going to do anything. So at that point, I decided there's no need to set a boundary, I just need to leave. However, there are times when you can set a boundary and it will work. But what type of boundary should you set?

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 3:42

Well, there are physical boundaries, intellectual boundaries, emotional boundaries, sexual boundaries, material boundaries and time boundaries. Let's dissect each one of them. Physical boundaries refer to personal space and physical touch. Now, you see, for me, I'm Puerto Rican and in my culture it is totally acceptable for us to kiss on the cheek when we first meet each other and even hug each other. But I have learned that in the United States this is not the way to go. Usually, anything from a handshake or a high five or even a fist bump is acceptable, but hugs and kisses Not really, unless you guys have known each other for a long, long time.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 4:22

Intellectual boundaries refers to thoughts and ideas. You probably heard it said before that at the table we don't discuss politics and we don't discuss religion. We can only discuss the weather and maybe perhaps what happened during the day. This is because we want to make sure that the conversation doesn't turn sour by disrespecting other people's ideas and ideologies. Emotional boundaries refer to a person's feelings. It is when a person decides whether they want to share or not share and when to share how they are feeling with somebody else. Sexual boundaries refer to the intellectual, emotional and physical aspects of sexuality. It is when you share with your sexual partner the things that you enjoy in and outside of the bedroom. Material boundaries refer to money and possessions. It's when you determine when you are allowing yourself to share money or share your possessions with others and for how long they can hold them. Last but not least is time boundaries, which is when a person decides how they want to spend their time and on what they want to spend their time on.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 5:19

Now that you know the different types of boundaries and what they mean, it is time to determine which type of boundary you need. But hey, you might still struggle to understand why you need a boundary or where exactly you need a boundary. So, in order to help you, I have four questions. Question number one what feels disrespectful, violating or concerning? Question number two what am I allowing or settling for? Question number three the boundary. What do I need to do or say to protect myself? And question number four what will I do if my boundary is violated or disrespected? Once you determine what type of boundary you need and what exactly you want to say, it's time to practice saying it. You might want to ask a friend or a family member to work with you and help you through that process.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 6:12

I will suggest using I statements. Now, you might not know what I statements are, so I'm going to go ahead and teach you them. I statements are used to communicate boundaries. I'm going to create an example right now of supposedly somebody standing me up for a date, right? So this is how an I statement will look like. I feel upset because you had told me we were going on a date and you never called to cancel. I need you to let me know ahead of time if our date is going to be canceled. If you invite me on a date again and do not cancel before you stand me up, I will not go out with you ever again. That's a little extreme maybe, but I think that it's a good boundary of saying like if you stood me up once and you stood me up a second time, that's it, you don't get a third strike.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 7:05

Now comes, in my opinion, the most difficult part, which is upholding those boundaries. I know you want to call them. I know you want to give them another chance. I know that in your heart of hearts, you're saying oh my gosh, what's going to happen if I put this boundary? What if I don't get a better opportunity? What if this is the best that I could ever get? What if nobody ever treats me the same? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All of this is totally normal, and I know that you're going to feel it. Why? Because I have gone through it myself. But the reality is that when you communicate your boundaries and you uphold them, you are respecting yourself. And not only are you letting people know exactly how to treat you and what things you're allowing them to do. It's going to determine how that relationship is going to be. And that relationship, again, it can be something regarding a job, it can be something regarding a partner, it can be a friendship, it can be a family member, it can be like so many different things. But the reality is, communicating your boundaries is going to help you become a better person and a better advocate for yourself. Well, my dear passengers, the time has come for the last stop of the day Recap time.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 8:19

Today's episode discussed boundaries, which is simply something that indicates a limit. Now we know that the first step to setting a boundary is analyzing the situation and understanding what is going on. We want to know what is making us feel uncomfortable, violated or even disrespected, and also what type of boundary we need to set in order to make sure that we do not feel this way. Once we determine the boundary, we're able to use I statements to communicate them properly. And hey, if we struggle with communicating with I statements, all we need to do is practice with our loved ones. That way, we gain more experience along the way.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 8:54

Last but not least, our job is to uphold our boundaries. I know it's hard and I know that it can seem useless and sometimes impossible, but the reality is that the more you practice upholding and the more you stick to it, the easier it becomes. Remember, self-growth is an endless journey towards self-improvement. However, you don't ever have to do it alone. As your tour guide, my goal is to guide you with the best intentions and the best research available. Make sure to follow me on Instagram, Tiktok and Facebook at the Self-Growth Train Podcast, and to also follow the new website, theselfgrowthtrainpodcast. com. As always, all the resources used today have been added to the episode's description. Well, until the next stop, dear passengers, safe travels. Bye!